Love Hate Relationship

Hey Joe,
My ex-boyfriend’s brother is also gay and i got pretty close to him recently, and it seems like he has the same problem as you – he’s still in love with his ex, and he’s not sure how his ex feels about him now. He’s 21 but really there’s no difference in your situations apart from the age, which shouldn’t make a difference in my opinion. They both tried to make it work with other people but both found that they kept thinking about each other. As i said, he’s not sure if the other guy feels the same, but they keep talking and flirting and he just generally gets the feeling he has another chance. What i said to him, and i guess the same advise goes to you, is keep talking to him any way you can – text, MSN, meet up (as friends), and maybe sometime get into a conversation with him about relationships, and mention how it’s not working with anyone else. Does he know how you still feel about him? Maybe just get it out, and tell him that you still love him and feel like you should be together still. He can’t avoid the question there, he has to give you an answer either way, and if he says he doesn’t feel the same or something, then at least you know. I know it’s not as easy as that, especially if you really really like him, but you’re not going to know unless one of you brings up the topic. I don’t know how much this helps, but just know that you’re not the only one in this situation, so don’t feel alone. Hope this helps at least a tiny bit, and i really really hope everything works out for you. You seem like a mature, nice guy so there’s no reason why it shouldn’t Kat x x

It seems to me you don’t really want advice. What you really want is to be told what you want to hear – you would like us to tell you to hold onto this “amazing” guy and that one day, yes, he will change and it will all be thanks to you.

That isn’t how this is going to work.

I can say with almost complete certainty that, no, people do not change. You cannot expect to change anyone. You cannot expect to be able to transform this boy. This is ESPECIALLY true in your case as the boy you’re with has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. This is a condition that years of psychotherapy and even drugs cannot be expected to cure completely, what makes you think you could do anything about it?

Further, you’re obviously a masochist of sorts. Other people have offered you more stable relationships, but you have rejected them as being “boring”. You enjoy the thrill and the supposed “emotional” depth of this connection. The truth is that, in spite of how real it may feel to you, there is very unlikely any real connection here.

It is my advice to you to (and this has nothing to do with your age – I would offer this advice to somebody twice or even three times your age) seriously look at yourself and ask what you want. Do you want a frivolous “roller-coaster” relationship or do you want to mature and make worthwhile connections?

That is the same problem I had with an ex. I am bi but my ex is a lad. I got with him when I was 14, he was 23 (but acted like a 10 year old lol). I was with him for 3 and a half years. All because I kept going back to him. I treated him badly n he treated me badly. We had the same sort of relationship as u. We just couldn’t get rid of eachother for good. I ended up finishing it with him. I knew I couldn’t live my dream with him. It absolutely killed me but after 2 or 3 weeks, I realised that I was free n single again n could do what I wanted. Now I am 18 years old n I have a pub, I can do things now that I have never been able to do. It’s brilliant! Ask yourself one thing, do you really want to keep getting hurt? x x x

im not going to patronise you because of your age because age doesnt matter in this case, u seem very mature and nobody has the right to tell you that what your feeling isnt real or important just because your younger! you need to try and make it work or you wont ever know! you may turn round in a few months and realise he has changed for the better and be really happy together or he could turn out to be an idiot and you will know to stay away! just make sure you dont get in too deep just incase he is an idiot, try taking things slow and explane to him that you are being serious about you working out and that if he isnt then you dont want a relationship. only give him one chance though, and if he messes up again then you arnt ment to be together. please dont take this the wrong way but you are young so try not to wish your life away, enjoy being able to get away with having fun and meeting new people and seeing who you like when you like while you can still get away with it! if your ment to be together then you will be, it always seems that when you stop trying to make something happen then if its right it always makes itself happen xxx

Maturity occurs when a person sees their own faults and errors as we all have them, and then is less inclined to even get to the stage of writing a seeming one sided argument against another person, whose reactions are of youth and emotional upset which may trigger a medical condition. The elderly then are less faulted. The boring ones may not have as much emotion, as this relationship is passionate. I’m sorry, but I don’t see maturity in your writing, such as reference to mental health.It is a concern to treat as a disability, than to use it in that it causes things you have to put up with. What you put up with is what is triggered by stress, in illness, by people ignoring in society, the vulnerable baby, elderly, illness, so you see I find your view of the world selfish, that it should be catering to you, like a child. And really, as academically your age is your age, so accept it. This is what is emotionally destroying him, your inability to see your own faults, and exhaulting yourself over the relationship. You both fault, you are both good and bad, you both trigger each other, but maturity is more focused on your own behaviour, to understand the other, and seeing things from their position, make the relationship strong and go back out since theres fun and passion and thats what life is about. I’m nearly 40 and my behaviour for eg would be more tactful in the reference to sensitivity to the community at large as of illness, and yes, someone else young would yell at you for that. My point, you are in love, but chuck in everything under the sun bad about him and slant it while about you you are the opposite, better than an average 15 year old. There are no excuses or flexibility for him, you seem to be perfect. And that makes you the judger. So back down for him and try again

I had the same problem with a guy. I know Im straight, but it’s the same sort of situation. I’ve got bi-polar and I’m slightly crazy and I come up with the most random things, but when Im sad I can get really down and it upsets everyone around me. We broke up a year ago but I kept flirting with him and vice versa. We still really liked each other but with my condition it was hard for him to handle. I remember at the prom he purposly snogged a girl infront of me and I got so worked up I slapped him hard. Both of us being shocked, I ran out crying, for a moment it had felt like we were together again. He came out and put his arm around me and said ‘I’m just scared. But I’ll try to make it work.’ And we kissed, and it felt right. But he said ‘You have to promise not to drag me into everything.’ And I just smiled and said ‘I can’t promise anything.’ and i think u shoud explaint to him that you really like him and you got so flustered that you kissed someone else without thinking it through and you’re just really scared that you’re gonna muck it all up. Explain to him how he makes you feel and how you can’t feel proper happiness around anyone but him. Best Of Luck x

It appears to be a classic case of wanting what you can’t have. You want each other but you don’t. You are comfortable with each because you know all the ugliness as well as the good. I won’t patronize you due to your age…but you are 15…life has not yet begun. You will meet other people and one of them will make you stop and wonder why you allowed such a self destructive relationship to continue or you will both gorw and mature and realize that what you wanted you already had and work things out. However, you cannot appreciate the here and now without experiencing what is out there and for more than a few months. My love and I spent 20 years apart and married other people before we realized that what we needed we already had. He is bi-polar, has terrible mood swings, and is very easily depressed but I love and accept him with all his warts. The first thing you MUST realize is that you cannot change him. People do change…but they change themselves according to the things in life that they want…not because someone wants them to. If the two of you want to be together then you have to both accept each other exactly the way you are…you may love and hate each other for a lifetime; however, if the two of you are happy for that lifetime then you made the right decision. Your decision is…can you live with him the way he is…