He is 3 times my age
I don’t even know if I want answers or not, but I’ve got to tell someone the idiotic mistakes that I have made before I go mad.
I am a teenager. I hate to say it, cause I don’t fit into the mould, but I’m still 17 and I’m still an idiot. I don’t like parties; I go to church; I like school; I don’t swear all that often. I’m not an outcast and no-one as far as I know hates me or thinks I’m weird or whatever and bullies me. But I am still a teenager.
I’m not sure how well I can cut a long story short…but here goes.
I’m in the choir at my church, along with my mum and my little sister. We’re a very strong family; none of us have ever been any trouble- mum always jokes about that; the fact that she never had to do anything, we just never bothered with the ‘teenage’ years. There aren’t just the three of us, mind. My parents are married, and I’ve got two elder sisters as well as my little sister. There’s an age gap between the pairs of sisters, so although we’re all close, our elder sisters share a bond, and my little sister and I share a bond. Of the elder two, one is married and just become a mum and the other happily partnered; and both on the first attempt. Neither of them had met anyone before the one they’re sticking with, both at about 18. So obviously I got fake jealousy thrown at me when I started going out with a boy at 13- the likes we’d never seen before! This wasn’t a problem- eventually about a year later we grew apart and broke up. The problem started last year, when a man at choir
offered to give me some driving tutoring cause I was so keen to drive. From there, we hit it off- the lessons dwindled out cause with so little time on my hands, I barely got time with the family as it was, so we just chatted, and became really good friends. This didn’t surprise me; mum got on with him really well, so I knew he’d be a funny guy. Bad news is, he’s not quite 3 times my age.
So the closer we got, the more that people worried; and we did too. Neither of us had done anything of the like before, and ignored it for a while, but eventually he came out with it, and we started trying to be together. And the twits we were, we kept quiet about it because we still didn’t know what we were doing. We very, very rarely got time alone and when we did it would be at church, so didn’t, obviously, get that close physically.
I can’t say that I wholly trusted him- I’d be even more of a fool to say that I did. Anywhere along the line he could have raped me or buried me under his patio, to be blunt. So occasionally, when he’d find ways to meet up in places that I felt uncomfortable with (e.g. when no-one knew where I was) I would make an excuse. One day, very recently, he caught me lying to him, and we stopped and talked. I told him that I couldn’t hide this much longer, so he agreed that we should reveal things a little more and stop worrying my family and friends. So we did- we’ve told my mum first, as she was visibly the most worried. We caught her one evening and said we’d like a chat when we had time. She managed to take him aside and talk to him the next day when I wasn’t there, and he fed a little back to me- not much, cause he said she’d want to talk to me without knowing what she’d said to him. But she wanted to tell the Vicar, cause he’d know much more about what to do, and our Choir-master,
cause we’d screwed up in his choir and he was our friend.
So I waited for when she and I would have time to talk alone, and we eventually did. Well, when I say talk, she talked at me. She didn’t need to hear my opinion, and in my family, that has never happened. She had also already talked to the Vicar and Choir-master, and I had assumed that she would ask me first before she did that. So basically, I started to get confused.
Still, she asked for him to go and talk to the Vicar, and he did so promptly. The Vicar said that we hadn’t strictly done anything wrong, among other things like suggesting we all sit down and talk, and said he’d pass the information along to my mother and father.
About 2 weeks later, and I found out that the Vicar had, in fact, done no such thing. I was assuming that he was looking for a time to be alone with mum to talk it over, but was still irritated.
In all this, all the way through, there is one person I did not tell, and that was my younger sister. I was waiting for a chance to tell her gently, because I knew that I would deeply hurt her. If I had told her, and only her, from the start, what sort of burden would that have been on a 14-year-old girl? That she was the only witness to a relationship between the only two people who really shouldn’t be together…
Tonight, she has told me the blunt truth, and I just don’t know what to do. She was so worried about me that she went behind my back to read my text messages. She knew right from the point of us going out that we were. She’s lost all faith in me because we’ve never kept secrets from each other before, and I’ve scarred her so much deeper than anything else I could have done.
She told me about all the comings and goings between my parents and the church, and my friends, and everything that has gone on behind my back that, worryingly, no-one else would dare tell me.
The thing that hurts me is that all of this seems to be being arranged without a word from me- I don’t actually seem to have any say in the matter.
The thing that breaks my heart is that I have failed in the one thing that I tried to do the whole way through- protect my own sister, and my family, and be a role-model to the young woman my sister’s turning into. I don’t know how long it will be until any of them can trust me again, or if I can trust them. This is the sort of thing I read in books and joke about how simply stupid you would have to be to make such a horrible mistake. But I don’t even know if I have made a mistake- I don’t even know for sure if I love him, or whether I’m just in love with love.
I’ve always burned to be a mother, and a teacher. But if I can’t even sort my own relationships without destroying everything, how can I ever be fit to help children?
I can see two choices, and both of them are yelling at me. One, I could watch this through to the end and show that I really mean it, knowing that my family hates it. Two, I could drop him and apologise to everyone, start again and know that I gave in.
Please, help me- anything you can think of to help me- I’ve done everything so wrong and I don’t know where to turn.
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Filed under Teenage Agony Aunt Letters by Agony Aunt
Comments on He is 3 times my age »
You seem to be a very mature and insightful young lady. Your style of writing is really well-developed for your age.
You’re very sensitive and you’re bright enough to know that you’re relationship at the age of 13 with a man almost 3 times your age is wrong, inappropriate, and could really mess up your life.
I think you’re a good person who got caught up in something she couldn’t- and still doesn’t – really understand.
I advise you to break off this relationship ASAP. If this older man truly cares for you& isn’t just using you for possible future sex and/or companionship he WILL understand. If he’s emotionally mature, he will stop messing your life& find someone his own age for a girlfriend.
As for you, end it now , be strong and focus on your friends, hobbies, and school work- and church.
There will be plenty of time for guys your own age when you’re older.
So, do this for yourself not for your parents or anyone else. But don’t blame your folks for their concern; they’re just very worried about you& don’t want to see you mess up your life. Your younger sister will soon put this behind her if she sees you’re mature enough to do the right thing. She will learn that people learn from and can and do correct their mistakes. And that you’re the same person you always were. She will also admire your strength of character.
I hope- and believe- that you have the courage to do the right thing. It might be best to have your mom or someone you trust close by when you end things with this man, so he accepts your answer& knows it’s final. Good luck.
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you must furst work out if you really do love this man and if he loves u. u must c if u can trust him. if u can and u do love him i surgest invitting him round and sitting doun with all your family about how u feel. not just about him but also about them and the way they handeled the situation. good luck.
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Have you actually had intercourse or sexual actions with this man? if you haven’t then you are atleast not stupid, if you have and your family have found out about this then the man you care about so much could be sentenced to prison for commiting padeophilia. I suggest that you take a few moments and think to yourself whether this is actually what you want, or your simply trying to bring some excitement via rebellion into your normal and previously peaceful family life.
Have you ever had a boyfriend beforehand? If you have, then compare. If you haven’t, we suggest you take a break from this hectic situation and experiment with people your own age. If it turns out you like the older men, then atleast wait a few years so it’s legal for you and your partners.
What will happen when he is in old age, and your only 40-ish? Do you really want to be a middle-aged woman caring for oap’s? Do you really want to spend half your life alone when he has sadly passed away?
you should consider these points, and good luck.
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you should get with some one your own age like me forget them older men thats rong and you are only 17 get a grip ov your self safe
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You do sound like a mature young woman, and I really wish we could get a better sense of this man from your post – but in my opinion, there is something odd about a man presumably in his late 40’s wanting to be in a romantic relationship with a teenager. I know at 17 you feel like you have lived a lot and seen a lot and are as mature as any adult – I sure did! But in terms of sheer life experience, you are in such a different world as this man. You’ve probably noticed already that people think he is “taking advantage of you” even if you haven’t been sexually active yet, and there is a reason for this. It is simply not normal for a man of that age to want a teenager as his partner. Lust and fantasies are one thing – but he is middle aged. Your life is just begining!
If you do decide that you want to be together regardless, how do you see your future relationship with your family? Will this put a strain on it? Is he worth giving up the trust and close relationship you have with your sister and parents?
You are 17 – this is not your only chance at love! If you do decide to end it, I promise you, there will be other men who will love you and who you will love, and may make your life a whole lot easier! Good luck, whatever you decide.
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i dont think there is much of a problem about the age differance but you want to watch out with a older person i was with sombody older and sadly it dident work out because i wanted smbody my age x ano this dosent realli give you any advice but i just wanted to have my say x
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I may no nothing about having a boyfriend or dating but I know right from wrong.
It is perfectly fine to like someone 3x’s your age…
But ask yourself why you like him first.
It is NOT ALRIGHT to HIDE ANY relasonship from your parents no matter what.
in terms of my opinion it would be better for yourself if you stop with this guy and focus on your life with your family you have your whole life ahead of you.
Show not only your family but your sister as well that even though people make mistakes they can fix them. Hope this helps.
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Ok first things first your a very bright young lady, I think that your family are shocked but things always soon die down, believe it or not I’ve had a similar situation, I fell in love with someone that was just far to old for me, but I followed my heart as I always promised myself I would, everyone pointed and stared or made untrue comments, people talk and things can become much bigger than wanted, that was the darkest time of my life I look back at how stupid I was how could I have thought I was so inlove, the only bright bit of the whole situation is that I can help you. I suggest following your family as I wish I had, your young like it or not and young people do silly things and are forgiven for then quickly, its called living and learning, what I did was out of love even yet I regret it, you don’t know if you love him after all this then maybe its time to be the adult your so close to being and put your hands up and say I was wrong I learnt,keep us posted and good luck
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i think its a bad idea start fresh
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What are you getting out of a shrivelled up male plum, while you remain a ripened peach. Is he wealthy? You need some type of compensation for your youth; social learnings going down the drain. If he has no provision of funds to give you, he’s a taker, sapping up the life of the young. I mean you have young handsome men, all types of guys. You cant go to church, school and home and an old dirty man waiting going nowhere, doing nothing, thats what they do at their age, boring; you have to go out with girlfriends. Of course people will look and wont ask the pair of you out around their kids and families.
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